


Re:Hangover

by Strandenstein



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, Gen, They get messed up, bad stuff, misadventure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27758515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strandenstein/pseuds/Strandenstein
Summary: Subaru, Otto, and Garfiel go on a short adventure and come back really messed up. Emilia, Ram, Betty, and Petra get really pissed off at their stupididty and decide to interrogate them over what happened.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a writer but I had this stupid idea, so here it is. Any feedback is welcome.

Traversing a dirt track across an empty plain was a covered wagon drawn by a single ground dragon. At its reins sat a grey-haired merchant. This merchants name was Otto, the Minister of Internal Affairs for the Emilia camp. He was currently returning to the mansion that the camp was staying at from a personal mission he had set off on with his two brothers the day before. Natsuki Subaru and Garfiel Tinzel weren’t exactly his brothers but the trio had grown incredibly close since the events of Sanctuary. Even though nobody in the camp knew what business Otto needed to settle other than that it was personal and not related to the royal selection, the two still eagerly wanted to help. The rest of the Emilia camp hadn’t given a single argument but rather encouraged the 3 as it would give Subaru and Garfiel an opportunity to learn more about the world outside the few places they both knew.

But now as Otto sat at the reins the only thing, he could think about was how much he regretted bringing the two troublemakers with him.

“God I feel like absolute shit. It was just gonna be a nice calm experience to recover from the mess of Sanctuary and Priestella. Why do those two always bring so much trouble, gosh my head hurts so mu…”

Just than Otto’s internal monolog was broken by the sudden urge to vomit. This was in fact not the first time that this had happened since they had left earlier. Otto defiantly wasn’t in a condition to be driving the ground dragon wagon as he was clearly somewhere between heavily intoxicated and the beginning of a hangover. His face was extremely pale and when combined with how glassy and bloodshot his eyes were, not to mention the fact that he’d been vomiting for the past few hours one could only imagine the toxic combo he’d poisoned his body with the night before.

“Oi Otto, watch where ya aiming that thing. All yer craps getting sucked in back here!” was belted out from within the wagon angrily.

The owner of the voice slowly made themselves known. Garfiel climbed out from within the wagon to sit beside Otto, but with an unusually slow and careful gait. Garfiel wasn’t suffering anywhere near as much as Otto was and this could be attributed to one of two things. Garfiel does posses an extraordinary vitality and constitution which could have been helping him fight off all the side effects of his previous night. The other and perhaps more likely reason is his adoption of an old alcoholic’s trick, you can’t get a hangover if you never stop drinking.

And so Garfiel had come to sit beside the puking Otto out front. The previous anger he held completely gone as he alternated between slapping Otto on the back while laughing as if Otto’s state was the funniest thing in existence and drinking some white liquid out of a leather skin.

It’s obvious from how Garfiel’s behaviour is a lot happier and more jovial than normal that he is certainly continuing the good times from the previous night. In fact, right now Garfiel was probably the happiest he’s ever been. As the world spun around and blurred like soup to him a great idea came into his head. It was this idea that was going to be how he repaid his captain for freeing him from his self-imposed isolation in sanctuary. And with this thought he sat up beaming a smile to the world he could barely see.

At this expression that frankly made Otto wretch a bit he could only weakly look over and muttered a few words.

“Garfiel-san you should really stop drinking. And even than how could you be so happy, I feel like I’m gonna die.”

“My amazin’ self gotta’n idea to repay th’cap’n for helpin’ myself in Sanctuary, ‘nd my best pal her’ gonna help.” As he wrapped his arm around Otto and pulled him right to his side.

“Hnnnnnnng……………… Why do I have to help with your scheme to help Natsuki-san?!? Ahhhhhh, I’ll help, I’ll help, just don’t crush me okay ?!?” Otto yelped as he was slowly being crushed by Garfiels arm that had grown suspiciously larger and gotten suspiciously hairier.

“How are we even going to help Natsuki-san if he’s still sleeping like a corpse in the back?!?”

“Don’t worry, my amazin’ self already has ‘verything worked out, just listen ta this.”

And with that Garfiel started explaining his plan as they continued to ride with the sun getting lower and in the sky.

Petra like the rest of the Emilia camp was starting to get worried, they had expected the trio of Subaru, Otto, and Garfiel to return by midday but the sun was starting to touch the horizon and they still had not returned. She had been waiting by the front of the mansion since midday so that she could greet them on their return, and she had continued to wait no matter how tired she had gotten from simply standing there. Over the course of the hours that she had stood there both Emilia and Frederica separately had come by to gently coerce to abandon this duty. Although they were both concerned with how worried the little maid was getting over Subaru’s extreme lateness, they both tried and reacted differently to Petra’s refusal to leave her post.

“Petra-chan, you know how much of a dunderhead Subaru can be. I know he’d feel reaaaallly bad if you were all worn out from waiting for him all day, so lets come inside and find something to take you’re mind off him for a bit okay?” said Emilia as she smiled and crouched so she could be at eye level with the shorter Petra.

“With all due respect Emilia-sama I will continue to remain here for Subaru-sama unless you require my assistance within the mansion.” Said Petra with a slight bow.

“There’s nothing I need you’re help with right now Petra-chan. I’m sure Subaru will be ecstatic to arrive from his long journey and find you waiting for him!” but as she said this she felt just a tinge of jealousy, but she didn’t know why.

“Petra-san I respect you’re dedication to you’re task, but I think you’ve shown more devotion to your duty than could be expected from any member of the Mathers staff, so it’s okay to wait for them from inside the mansion.”

“I am okay Frederica-nee-sama, I’ve already been waiting for awhile, but I don’t want to give up now!”

And with that Frederica left after giving a small smile. She was incredibly impressed at how devoted Petra was to her job, all the initial doubts that she had for hiring someone so young were completely gone now.

Now just as the sun was beginning to dip below the horizon Petra’s face lit up as she saw a familiar ground dragon carriage role down the small road that led into the mansion. Although they were still too far away to make out details, she could tell that it was Otto at the reins, causing her to break out into a smile knowing that Subaru was finally back.

However, her smile soon twisted into a slight gasp as the wagon came to a stop. Petra was able to see how pale and clammy Otto’s face was, the sweat running down, and how glassy and red his eyes were. Otto’s appearance both worried her and slightly unnerved her, if the journey had done this to him what had it done to the other two?

“Otto-sama are you alright?!?” Petra gasped as she hurriedly rushed to the side of the carriage to help him down.

“I’m alright Pe…” as Otto was about to finish his sentence he collapsed to the ground right after getting off the carriage and threw up for the umpteenth time that day.

As Otto continued to puke Petra really started to freak out.

“Ahhh, you really don’t seem alright, let me help you inside so you can rest!”

But as Petra was leaning down supporting the severely ill Otto, she was cut off by a very drunk Garfiel who had just climbed down from the back of the wagon.

“Oi Pipsquek! Grab a shovel for th’Captain.” Slurred Garfiel as he held a body shaped object wrapped in a black blanket and thick rope.

“Why does Subaru-sama require a shovel?” voiced Petra as she turned her head left and right, looking for Subaru.

“Th’Captain bit th’dust, got shanked in a back-alley brawl. He went down ‘winging thou, ‘nd we got’m good right back.” As Garfiel said this he patted the wrapped body that he held, aswell he put on a slight air of sadness as he reminisced on what must have been an amazing battle the night before.

As Petra stood shocked with her eyes growing wide and tears starting to fill them, Otto cut in after slightly recovering from his most recent bought of vomiting.

“We want to prepare a grave for Natsuki-san so it’ll be ready for a funeral ceremony once everyone has been given the news.” And it was with this blow that Petra finally broke, falling to her knees and grabbing a handful of Otto’s clothes and starting to bawl her eyes out.

As this occurred the front door to the mansion was blown open and out emerged a group comprising Emilia, Ram, and Beatrice.

The group stood dumbfounded when they saw Petra on the ground in tears with Otto crouched over a pile of vomit, and Garfiel holding what looks like a body on his shoulders with a drinking skin strapped to his belt.

The first one to break the silence was Ram, she was obviously annoyed at how late the three stooges were and wanted answers. She didn’t have a very high expectation of their abilities but being late by the margin that they were definitely was a new low for them.

“Garf what idiocy are you, Otto, and Barusu pulling here. Barusu better not be hiding from Ram. Pathetic.”

This degrading mention of Subaru took the Petra that had already gone over the edge and threw her right into the ground, she just couldn’t handle that the guy she admired and held affections for was gone.

“HE’S DEAD RAM-NEE-SAMA, HE’S DEAD, SUBARU IS GONE…” She wailed, causing Ram to step back step back and freeze with her mouth slightly agape in shock.

Upon hearing this Emilia and Beatrice had very different reactions. Beatrice could still feel Subaru through the contract they shared. She could tell that he was still alive, yet she saw what seemed like a lifeless body bound on Garfiels shoulder. This discrepancy caused her to freeze up in uncertainty, her senses as a spirit told her that Subaru was alright, yet her eyes and ears told her he was dead. Because of this she could do nothing but stare as Emilia reached a conclusion and did not stay still.

Like Ram, Emilia been disappointed in the trio because of how late they were. However, in her eyes they were just being a bunch of irresponsible kids who can be expected to mess things up every now and than. However, the gravity of the apparent situation went way beyond the normal screwup for a group of kids.

All Emilia could manage to do was to raise an arm as if to try and touch the wrapped body as she slowly started to walk forward while meekly getting out a “Su…baru….”

Now the incredibly hammered Garfiel who isn’t known for his personal skills at the best of times saw in his eyes the perfect moment to execute the climax of his amazing plan, the goal of which is known only to him and Otto.

Garfiel took the wrapped body from his shoulder and while holding it up as if presenting it, turned towards Emilia and spoke in the most formal and solemn voice he could muster.

“Emilia-sama, I present the remains of yer knight, Natsuki Subaru. He died an amazin’ death while fight’n in th’back alleys, Otto and I are sorry we couldn’t save him.”

And with that Garfiel bowed his head, Otto taking the hint and bowing as well but he tried and failed to keep his hair from touching the pool of vomit right below. He deeply regretted not turning a bit before bowing as he now had vomit coloured highlights.

Emilia definetly didn’t take losing her one and only knight well. After Puck, Subaru was the closest person to her and now that he was gone too she was having trouble handling all the feelings that were swarming around inside her. She had felt similar when Pucks crystal had shattered but she had grown a bit as a person since than, she saw the little Petra struggling in front of her and so she wanted to hold on just a bit for her. However, her emotions did overwhelm her in the end, she slowly fell to her knee’s as the tears that had been building up finally streamed down from her amethyst eyes.

“Liar, Subaru you liar. After all you said and did in Sanctuary….”

Now Garfiel knew it was time for the coup de grace (a term he got from his big bro) of his plan. He would walk forward and place Subaru before Emilia, and when she realized that he was alive she would hug him and be really happy and excited. Then later he’d reveal to Subaru how he orchestrated this master plan to give him that moment with Emilia, leading to his big bro being really proud and grateful to him. Garfiel could just imagine how he could pull out his own pose in that moment of victory and look just as cool as Subaru did when he victory posed.

However this coup de grace fell apart incredibly quickly in its earliest stage. As Garfiel staggered forward he immediately tripped, and so instead of gently placing the body before Emilia, it was launched high into the air. It came down with a soft thud, rolled over twice and than stopped. It lay before Emilia with one bare arm having escaped from the wrappings, laying face up slightly pale and completely devoid of movement.

Emilia froze a bit before slowly and gingerly lifting up the blanket that covered the body to reveal Subaru’s face. The face looked incredibly calm but devoid of movement. There was no movement to indicate breathing and the face was incredibly pale, except for dried blood that caked the back of his head.

When she saw this she first froze and recoiled a bit in panic before reaching down to touch his supposedly cold face when she noticed something. She realized that Subaru was in fact breathing, it was incredibly weak, but it was there. Once she realized this Emilia was absolutely ecstatic, she grabbed him from under his shoulders and pulled him into a hug as the black blanket fell off. And that was when everybody noticed that Subaru wasn’t wearing any clothes….

Feeling Subaru’s bare skin Emilia turned bright, tomato red. She than screamed “EEEEEEK, SUBARU WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?!?” before dropping his upper body in shock, causing him to fall and have his head bounce of the ground with a loud thunk as she crawled backwards to separate herself from the completely naked Subaru.

“You should be ashamed of that petty thing Barusu. Pathetic” uttered Ram as she flung the blanket back on to cover the still unconscious Subaru’s lower half.

“YOU’RE ALL HOPELESS I SUPPOSE!” could be heard as a certain blond loli rushed past all present to start casting healing magic to the back of Subaru’s head.

It was than that the rest of them noticed that a dark red pool was slowly spreading from under Subaru’s head, being dropped by a certain half-elf out of shame and surprise had led to his head hitting the ground hard enough to reopen the wound that had originally caked him in dry blood.

Emilia had been going through colour changes like a chameleon on crack. She’s started out her normal colour before turning chalk white at the site of a supposedly dead Subaru, to red like a tomato when she discovered that said Subaru was buck naked, before returning to chalk white when she thought that she’d accidently killed the Subaru-who-should-have-been-dead-but-actually-wasn’t via blunt for head trauma.

“Subaru is fine, in fact. The cut in his head is not deep. Subaru is just sleeping due to some stuff he ate. He should wake up in a few hours, I suppose.” And with that Beatrice managed to singlehandedly end Emilia’s chameleon cosplay as her statement cut the tension outside the mansion in half.

While Petra and Emilia let out a sigh of relief that Subaru was in alive and going to live, Ram had a different look on her face. Her face contorted into some combination of disgust and anger; the one eye visible through her hair was burning a hole right through Garfiel.

During the whole extravaganza that occurred right in front of him Garfiel had simply stood up and just continued to drink from his drinking skin while leaned up against the wagon as if everything were normal.

“Garf, explain this.”

“It’as justa plan to help th’Captain. Otto’nd my amazin’ self wanted to help th’Captain to repay ‘im for Sanctuary. He was just lying there so ‘e took ‘re chance.”

“HEY YOU THREATENED TO CRUSH ME IF I DIDN’T HELP, I’M NOT TO BLAME HERE!!!” before Otto once again knelt down, grabbing his head as the yelling aggravated his immense hangover headache.

Now Ram walked up to Garfiel, pressed him against the wagon and leaned in with her hand against the wagon, just over his shoulder.

“Garf, you reek of alcohol. You’re drunk. Disgusting.”

Garfiel who seemed to be completely oblivious to the tone or gravity of Ram’s words, got really excited over how close she was to him. He broke into a big smile with a really weird look in his eyes.

“Ya’know Ram, we can go into the mansion because now isn’t the time or plac…….” His solicitation was violently cut off by Ram punching him so hard in the stomach that he slowly sunk to the ground with his eyes wide open and shit eating grin still plastered across his face. With her job done Ram just walked away coldly saying “Pervert”.

Ram turned to Otto and very curtly said “Explain” before turning to Emilia and curtseying.

“Emilia-sama, I think we should return to the mansion to get to the bottom of this rude prank by Barusu, Garf, and Otto, and so we can determine who to beat first as punishment.”

Emilia who was still stunned and how forcefully Ram had socked the hammered Garfiel, or how he was insinuating something incredibly naughty meekly got out a “uhhhm sure”. She carefully picked up Subaru in a bridal carry, making sure that he was well wrapped in the blanket and headed off to the mansion.

She was followed closely by Beatrice who had reached up to clasp her hand around a bit of Subaru’s blanket.

Petra however decided to run up to both Otto and Garfiel before sticking out her tongue at each of them, Garfiel getting an extra “hmmp” at the end, before she hurried after Subaru’s procession.

Otto gave one of his short wails to nobody in particular before getting up and slowly trudged after them with a very “ah shit” expression plastered across his face.

And so, it was just Garfiel left, slumped against the wagon with his legs splayed out and the same old expression plastered onto his face. The only thing going through his mind was how it all went wrong as it slowly started to rain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first half of Otto's POV of the events in Dagga.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next were originally meant to be one, but I split them up due to length. I apologize if this caused a drop in quality or if it doesn't live up to expectations.

Everyone had finished relocating from the entrance of the mansion to its main meeting room, seating themselves between its multiple couches and chairs.

Emilia, Beatrice, Petra, and Ram had readied themselves to begin the interrogation of the three stooges who had returned not long ago. The feelings of the three were a mixed bag on this however, ranging from worry, to confusion, to anger. 

Petra and Emilia belonged solely to the camp of worry, Petra who had been the first to receive the trio had been hit incredibly hard by Garfiel’s lie that Subaru had passed away. He was the hero who had come to her rescue when the mabeasts attacked her village, he had saved her again when Elsa and Meili had attacked the mansion, her preteen self just couldn’t handle that he was dead. She was still recovering from the shock but had pulled herself together after Beatrice informed everyone that he was only sleeping and would wake within a few hours. 

Emilia held a much more complex set of emotions that were similar yet different to Petra’s. She was worried about Subaru and she was a bit guilty about bouncing his head off the ground like a discarded ball earlier. But she was also greatly disappointed in her knight and his two companions, she was used to their normal teenage boy antics that usually got them into a little bit of trouble. But what they had just done was a great step above that, they had gotten into so much trouble that Otto looked ready to keel over into a grave, Garfiel got so drunk that Ram had to defend herself with ‘less than lethal’ force from his attempt to recreate his sisters birth. He’s 15 years old for god sakes, he’s on the road to becoming a juvenile delinquent! And her completely and beyond all doubts knightly knight Natsuki Subaru was the worst of all, he came back so messed up that they would’ve buried him in his death like state if Beatrice hadn’t of been there. And because of this while Petra just looked worriedly at Subaru, Emilia glared at the 3 like mother whose child missed their curfew by 10 minutes.

Beatrice showed that she was a creation of the Witch of Greed with how inquisitive she was. She was eagerly sitting on the couch waiting to hear about the adventure that the three had been on, she was a bit sad that she couldn’t hear about it in person but to her hearing about the adventure was the next best thing. She knew that Subaru didn’t like alcohol, and how he was adamant that nobody should drink until they were at least 20 years old. And so, she wanted to now what series of unfortunate events led to the three getting as screwed up as they were.

The prosecutor of the group was the only one of the 4 not sitting down, Ram was leaning against the wall in the corner of the room. She was giving the idiots who had caused such a commotion a glare so strong you’d think she was trying to set them on fire by just looking at them. The term prosecutor was certainly not unbecoming of her as her main prerogative behind wanting to hear their stories was merely to decide who to beat first, and by how much.  
The trio was in a simpler state than their interrogators. Subaru was the simplest of all, as he was simply laid down on a couch unconscious. He hadn’t been dressed yet, so he was still wrapped up in a blanket, and there was still dried blood on his face from both the unknown injury, and from getting harshly rejected by EMT.

Otto was just sat nervously in a chair, occasionally looking up from the ground only to meet Ram’s glare, sending his eyes back to the ground. He deeply regretted both bringing Subaru and Otto with him on his trip and even more so, getting forced by Garfiel into a scheme that had led to his current situation of being in an atmosphere so tense that it threatened to boil him alive.

Garfiel just sat in a chair still completely plastered, he just blankly starred at the ground as the whole world spun around him in a soupy mess.

The silence in the room was first broken by Ram.

“Otto explain, Garfiel is still too fucked. Pathetic”

“Y-Yes Ram-san, but we were split up for most of the time, so I don’t see why you ne…”

Otto’s attempt to finagle his way out was sharply cut off by the sound of Ram cracking her knuckles. Oddly enough this also made Garfiel shoot his gaze back to the ground after he misinterpreted a certain word Ram said.

“Okay, Okay, I’ll tell you everything” Otto wailed in fear.

“It all started on the trip there in the wagon.”

“Captain , I hav’ a question I’ve been meanin’ to ask ya”

“Ask away Garfiel” said Subaru whilst he laid on his back with his legs crossed and eyes closed.

“I happened to overhear back ‘n Sanctuary that you and Emilia-sama were expecting to have a lil’ kid. So how do I say it, congratulations, and will you consider naming ‘im after my amazin’ self, Garfiel?!? Or is it gonna be more of a junior?” said Garfiel rather bashfully at first before getting excited like a little puppy when it came to talk of names.

“NATSUKI-SAN IS BECOMING A FATHER?!? I guess come to think of it, Emilia-sama was looking a tiny bit puffy lately” cried Otto excitedly from the front of the wagon

“WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, Calm down guys, I’m not gonna become a father, where’d you get that idea?!? And Otto, Emilia does not look puffy, she’s still EMT!” Subaru fanned the air with both his arms as if trying to calm Garfiel and Otto down while having a shocked expression on his face, but also looking a bit annoyed at Otto’s statement about his beloved EMT.

“I heard that Emilia-sama was real’ flustered after th’ last trial, ‘nd that she was askin’ ya ‘bout naming an’ raising yer child. If ya don’t wanna name it ‘Garfiel’ that’s okay Captain, I can take it.” Said Garfiel as he started to look a little bit sad about not having his Captains first child named after him.

Subaru let out a sigh before starting to explain the misconception.

“Emilia and I had our first kiss that day, she thought that kissing is what causes a couple to conceive a child. I asked Ram and Frederica to explain what actually happens to her, but she was very embarrassed, so nobody mentions this to her!”

“But Captain if kissing doesn’t make a baby how are they made?” said Garfiel is he sat cross legged in front of Subaru, expecting a lesson like when Subaru taught him about victory poses and Naruto running.

“Otto as the oldest and most learned here I entrust Garfiel’s adulthood education to you” said Subaru sarcastically as he made a bit of a bow, which Garfiel did as well without sensing the sarcasm.

Then while laughing a bit Otto delivered his learned wisdom.

“Garfiel-san when a woman and a man love each other very much, the woman will ride the man. After this mutual riding a child is made.”  
“Like how th’ Captain rides Patrasche around???” said Garfiel quizzically while tilting his head a bit in confusion.

“EXACTLY” Shouted Otto while laughing his head off.

“NO, NO, DEFINITLY NOT! The riding Otto is referring to is completely different than how I ride Patrasche” Screamed Subaru defiantly.

“So ther’ aren’t going to be any lil’ Captains running about with a ground dragon body ‘nd Captain heads?” said Garfiel while chuckling.

“The riding Otto was talking about happens when a man and a woman love each other very much, they do it to show each other how much they love each other.” While saying this Subaru’s face turned red and he buried his face in his hands.

“But Captain, both Otto and yerself ‘re always talking ‘bout how much th’ Captain loves Patrasche, are ya sure they’re different?”

“Ya Natsuki-san are you sure you aren’t riding Patrasche all day long like that, you do always mention how much you love her” said Otto to goad on Garfiel.

“GAAAAAAAAH, I’M NOT FUCKING PATRASCHE, BOTH OF YOU STOPPPPP!!!” shouted Subaru in defeat as he pulled his hair with both of his hands.

And so, with the awkwardness created by Garfiel’s line of questioning they continued their trip in silence for awhile, however Garfiel’s curiosity was not yet sated.

“Captain, I got ‘nother question”

“What is it Garfiel” said Subaru with a heavy hint of suspicion and fear in his voice.

“What’s a harem? And while yer at it, what’s a loli?” asked Garfiel with complete seriousness in his voice.

“Garfiel, first I want to know where and why you want to know what those words mean?” Said Subaru who was honestly at this point afraid of how Garfiel would respond.

“Well ya’know how Reinhard and Julius have amazin’ knight titles like th’ ‘Greatest Knight’ or ‘Sword Saint’ so Otto ‘nd my amazin’ self were workin’ on one for ya. Otto suggested we call ya ‘Natsuki Subaru, Lolimancer and Harem Knight’ ” said Garfiel with once again a straight face.

Subaru was at this point dumbstruck at what just came out of his brothers’ mouth, however as the rage built towards Otto for suggesting that horrid name, Garfiel continued and thereby prevented Subaru from lashing out at Otto.

“Ther’ was a bit more like are there anymore members of yer harem beside Emilia and Rem? Are ya tryin’ to get Crusch ‘nd Anastasia into yer harem? Is Felt harem material because she’s a candidate? Or is she an up coming weapon for the lolimancer?”

All that could be heard across the plain that contained a single ground dragon drawn wagon was an ear-splitting lament of a young man crying “OTTO!!!”.

The scene back in the mansion had only slightly shifted from before the first part of Otto’s recount, right now a particular silver haired half elf was glaring right at him while pouting, her face tinged just so ever slightly red.

“Otto what do you mean I look ‘a little puffy’, that’s not a nice thing to say to a girl you know. I was reallllly embarrassed over the kissing thing and now you’re saying I looked ‘puffy’ enough to pass for being pregnant?!?”

Beatrice realized that she had the answer to Emilia and Otto’s rift, she learned it from a book in the forbidden library. She realized if she didn’t get Emilia out of her huff soon that she would derail Otto from moving on. To do this Beatrice employed all the tact and guile that she learned from her mother to save this situation.  
“Don’t worry about it I suppose, you have not gotten fat, in fact.”

“Thank you, Beatrice” said Emilia as she calmed down a bit.

“I learned in the library about human anatomy, in fact. As a half elf it would apply to you too, I suppose.” Making Emilia look at her quizzically.

“It would explain your past puffiness, I suppose” and after squinting at Emilia as if examining her, Beatrice continued.

“It would also explain your current puffiness and indignant behaviour, in fact. You’re experiencing your time of the month, I suppose.”

Upon hearing this Emilia turned bright red once again and was left speechless.

“Beatrice-sama, please remember your tack in front of Emilia-sama.”

“It must be your time of the month too, I suppose…” huffed Beatrice at Ram’s reprimand.

A slight air of silence filled the room before Petra interrupted to ask a burning question that she had.

“Ram-nee-sama what’s a harem?”

“It’s something that disgusting men try to group their multiple love interests into because they can’t commit to just one. Perverts”

“Why wasn’t my name mentioned, I wanna be in Subaru’s harem!” Said Petra with a hmmph as Ram looked at her with her face stricken in utter disgust that her mouth hung open and eye twitched.

Otto than took this as an opportunity to continue before Emilia recovered from her embarrassment.  
The trio at this point has arrived at the town of Dragga in the late afternoon. Otto’s business in this town was to find something that could only be acquired here, a special white powder called Kokane. The powder was considered a controlled substance in Lugunica, and hence it could only be found in shady and isolated places like Dagga. Lugunica restricted Kokane because it had a nasty habit of destroying lives as its user became so addicted, they resorted to crime to raise funds to buy it, but those who could afford it relied upon it heavily for increased energy, focus etc.

Now Otto had a specific reason for wanting to get his hands on it now that he was the Minister of Internal Affairs for the Emilia camp. He frequently was up all-night working on various mountains of paperwork or doing organizational work like in Sanctuary. Otto had heard from Natsuki-san about a famous businessman from his world, he was known as “The Wolf of Wallstreet” and he relied heavily on something like Kokane, cocaine to get through the day. Because of this Otto had decided to take after the habits of other more successful businessmen, so that he could become like them.

Arriving at the famed Dagga market the trio first headed towards the place Otto had heard through some other merchants, a place that sold Kokane.

They arrived in front of a large stall with a sign saying “Lil’ Jimmy’s and Chuck the Chungus’ Lemonade”. Right behind the counter holding a wide range of wares were two very different sized men.

“Welcome I’m Lil’ Jimmy and my partner here is Chungus Chuck, what can we do for you” said one of the men.

The man who had spoken was the larger of the two, he was easily 1.5 times Subaru’s height but was bald, had a big bushy beard, yet spoke with such a tiny and high pitched voice you would think he was a little girl. His partner however was a tiny man, about half of Subaru’s height with a long ponytail, well manicured nails. He also wore a golden fleece jacket with gold chains adorning his neck, yet like his partner his voice definitely didn’t fit his frame. When he spoke Otto and Subaru instantly stepped back a bit in fear, for his voice was so deep it was like it resonated down to your very soul.

“Oi, ya listening to Lil’ Jimmy, state yer business or scram.” Said Chungus Chuck somewhat angrily.

“Uh, I- I’m here to pick up a package for Otto Suwen.”

“Why didn’t you just say so man? That’ll be 2 holy coins” Said Lil’ Jimmy merrily while patting Otto on the shoulder.

After receiving his ‘stuff’ Otto turns to Subaru and Garfiel and lets them know the rest of the plan.

“I’m going to go load this up in the wagon, feel free to check out the town. I prearranged accommodations via letter at the inn in town. Let’s meet up there in an hour for dinner.”

And with that the trio went their separate ways.

“Beatrice, what is a controlled substance?” asked Emilia, having regained her composure after her earlier bought of puffy pouting.

“It’s something generally taken for pleasure like alcohol, but more dangerous, I suppose. The term is used for things banned in Lugunica, in fact.” Said Beatrice calmly.

“Otto, Subaru and Garfiel are just little kids. You shouldn’t bring them to dangerous places that sell illegal things. I think some of your behaviour has rubbed off on them and that’s why they are acting like juvenile delinquents.”

“Who says juvenile delinquents anymore….” Mumbled Subaru in his drug induced slumber.

“Subaru, Subaru! Are you awake” called out Emilia as she stared at her still unconscious knight.

“Whatever he took is still wearing off, in fact. He should wake up soon, I suppose.” Calmly said Beatrice once again.

“What exactly did Subaru take and how much, in fact?” questioned Beatrice towards Otto

“After stowing the stuff in the wagon, I lost track of Natsuki-san and Garfiel-san until dinner, so I have no idea.”

Upon hearing that Otto didn’t have an answer Emilia once again started pouting, acting more like a child than the trio she was supposedly disciplining. However, Beatrice took this as an opportunity to poke fun at the person who was always teasing her with Subaru.

“You wouldn’t want to have your face stuck like that; I suppose. You’d be called the Puffy Princess of Pouting, in fact.”

At this Emilia turned completely red as everyone giggles a bit at Beatrice’s tease. While suppressing a laugh Otto continued his recount of the past days events.

Otto and Garfiel were sitting at a table in the inn eating and drinking for the first time since they left the mansion. Otto had been waiting for Subaru and Garfiel for a fair bit before Garfiel showed up, and so before eating he had just been drinking to pass the time, leading to him drinking a few tankards too many. Since Otto was getting really drunk and Subaru was MIA the rule of “Don’t give Garfiel alcohol” had gone out the window. He was slowly but steadily mowing his way through pint after pint of fermented milk, something he accidentally encountered when he asked the barkeep for just milk, only to end up with an alcoholic equivalent. Although normally they would hold at least some concern over the missing Subaru, but they were hammered enough at this point that everything just seemed great. What was even more out of place was how Otto was already drunk enough when he arrived to not give a single care to how Garfiel was wearing the same gold chains and gold fleece jacket as what Chungus Chuck was wearing.

Although up to now the atmosphere in the inn had been incredibly jovial with lots of laughter and other sounds of merriment, everything went dead silent when the door opened.

In through the door walked a beautiful woman. She had long black hair and fair skin, although her eyes could be described as mean looking this didn’t detract from her beauty in Otto’s opinion. She wore a long black dress with long sleeves that covered her arms all the way to her wrists. She wore thin heels, but even without them she would be taller than Otto.

As she walked through the tavern everyone’s eyes were glued to her, the room had gone quiet to the point that you could hear a pin drop. There was a slightly unusual sway to the way she walked, like someone who couldn’t quite see right. This made it clear that she was clearly on something, but these thoughts were quickly dashed from Otto’s mind when he realized that she was sauntering straight towards where he and Garfiel sat. 

She sat right in the chair that they had saved for Subaru, where she leaned forward with both her elbows on the table, placing her chin on her hands. She did this while fully facing and leaning towards Otto, ignoring Garfiel as if he wasn’t even there. Seeming to get the hint, the somewhat hammered Garfiel gave his brother a wink before getting up from the table and disappearing into the crowd who had gotten back to their drinks.

After Garfiel had left the two alone the mysterious woman ended the silence between them with her seductive voice.

“My, my it seems I’ve caught the eye of the Illustrious Otto Suwen, not often we get heroes in our little town.”

“H-her-hero???” said Otto as he pulled on his collar, clearly showing how nervous he was with this close encounter.

“Yesss Otto-kun, the tales of you facing Gluttony in Priestella are quite famous you know.”

Now Otto was completely captivated by the mysterious woman and he realized that he didn’t know her name.

“Miss, may I know your name by chance?”

Upon hearing the question, the lady looked sown at the table and smiled while tracing circles with her finger and than answered Otto’s question.

“Natsumi, Natsumi Schwarz”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsumi and Otto have some weird stuff happen, Emilia proves she's the reddest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being really weird

After finally finishing their introductions Natsumi just stayed there, staring into Otto’s eyes with a loving and inviting expression on her face. As she did this Otto got more and more calm, as if the beautiful woman with the mean looking eyes was somehow familiar to him, her presence reassuring him that everything would be okay.

However, Natsumi wasn’t done having fun with Otto, she wanted to continue pursuing whatever goal led to her approaching him in the first place. She once more leaned towards Otto but this time went all the way to having her mouth a mere inch from his ear and began to whisper to him.

“Well Otto-kun, I’d love to get to know you a bit more…”

This level of intimacy caused Otto to blush red like a tomato with such intensity that Emilia would be jealous of the intensity and speed at which he could change colour.

Seeing Otto’s bashfulness at this slight provocation and how completely stunned he was from just a whisper made Natsumi smile at her own abilities.

“Otto-kun I’m going to grab something for us to drink as we talk, don’t run away from me now”

And with a wink she stood up from the table and went off to the bartender. They way she walked caused concern for the bartender however.

As he saw her slowly walk towards him, he noticed that there was a slightly abnormal sway in her walk, she swayed just ever so slightly from side to side as she walked. It wasn’t a dangerous enough sway that she might fall over, but if you were a responsible barkeep of a respected establishment it was clear that she was at her limit for her own safety.

But as Natsumi reached the counter and showed the bartender her bewitching smile it was as if the whole world outside of her just faded away. All he could see was the bewitching woman who was Natsumi Schwarz in front of him, reducing him to a stunned state akin to Otto.

“May I get two mugs of your strongest brew barkeep” said Natsumi gently as she leaned forward on the counter.

Using these bewitching powers that are unknown to mere mortals the barkeep had lost all apprehension towards serving her more alcohol he just mechanically served it, as if the request she’d given him was a command from a god.

Then Natsumi just left a few coins on the counter, gave thanks, and headed back to Otto.

Otto could only stare at her as she walked back towards him, as if locked in a trance, but he couldn’t just get over the feeling that she was extremely familiar to him, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t place where he’d met her. But these thoughts were blown right away when Natsumi placed a large mug filled with a liquid that looked like water but smelled like cleaning fluid right infront of him.

All Otto managed to get out was a quick “Thank You Natsumi-san”

But upon hearing her name Natsumi pouted as if displeased at what she just heard.

Once he saw her displeasure Otto started to panic and tried to figure out what he did wrong, panic starting to spread across his face. But once again his train of thought was interrupted by Natsumi getting right in his face and pointing her finger like how one would scold a child.

“Nat-su-mi-chan” she huffed while still pouting a bit, but still enunciating every syllable.

Now Otto showed a shred of the intuition that had allowed him to make his way until now and figured out how he’d upset Natsumi. By calling her using san Otto had acted as if there was distance between them, which bothered Natsumi. Otto deduced that Natsumi was trying to ‘advance’ their relationship by getting him to refer to her with more familiarity, hoping for their relationship to than move to the point where the honorific was fitting. This sounded eerily like what someone Otto knew had done.

Realizing his blunder Otto quickly tried to right his mistake by playing right into what she wanted from the beginning, and what he was starting to want now.

“Sorry, Natsumi-chan. You wanted to get to know each other better?” asked Otto as he lifted the mug and took a drink, which burned his throat the whole way down.

And so, as their respective mugs grew lighter and lighter, as the world appeared less and less real, the two became more and more enthralled in their conversation.

If anyone were to see the two they would defiantly assume that they must have known each other for a long period of time with how intimate they conversed with each other. But this intimacy was soon changed after Natsumi downed the last contents of her mug and leaned in to whisper to Otto once more.

“Otto-kun I’m getting a little tired but I don’t want to say good-bye yet, is there by chance somewhere we can go and talk a tiny bit more…. Intimately?”

As she slurred this out a small smirk spread across her face as Otto grew bright red. Natsumi stood up without waiting for Otto’s reply causing Otto to obediently do the same.

And with Natsumi putting an arm around Otto’s shoulder they stumbled up to Otto’s room.

Upon reaching Otto’s room Natsumi became a lot more aggressive, pushing Otto right down on his bed and straddling them.

“Wha-Wha What are you doing Natsumi-chan?!?” said Otto as he panicked, coming to his senses on what exactly she intended to do.

“Otto-kun… you can’t let the girl take all the initiative in cases like these…” Natsumi said with a tinge of disappointment in her voice.

Otto took the hint and with trembling hands he slowly reached around Natsumi and began to undo her dress.

But when he removed her dress he was met with a very unexpected sight, instead of a normal set of woman’s undergarments there was something else. He did see woman’s undergarments, but they had been modified so that they would give a male body women’s features.

“T-T-T-Traaaaaap?!? You’re a guy Natsumi-chan?!?” Otto said as he cowered beneath the nearly naked Natsumi, who was still straddling him.

Then Natsumi struck a pose with both his fists against his hips and looked in the air in with a sense of superiority.

“HAH, It is I, Natsuki Subaru! Beloved by not just loli’s but men as well! I have proven that such names as lolimancer and harem knight are unfitting for a man loved by all such as I!”

Or that is what Natsuki Subaru would have wanted to say, instead before he could get past his “HAH” he was kangaroo kicked by Otto into the wall with a sickening crack. Otto didn’t get a chance to see the blood starting to emerge from the back of his friend’s head as he quickly escaped out the window, only to fall two stories into a muddy ditch.

Otto awoke with a strong urge to vomit, and so he did. Everywhere, all-over the floor. Wait how’d he vomit all over the floor when he was last in a ditch? Well believe it or not he had somehow gotten from the ditch to being chained up in what looked like some kind of cell.

“Where am I and why do I feel so bad” Otto lamented after he finished vomiting and realized he had no idea where he was.

“Ohhhhh, Otto-kun you’re awake! I’m so excited!”

“Natsumi-chan, I mean Natsuki-san the jokes gone on far enough, I’m sorry so please let me go…..”

“Oh, I wonder who those two may be. I’d prefer that you didn’t call me by their names however, it doesn’t help a ladies mood when her lover calls her by a name that isn’t her own.”

“Lover????”

“Yes Otto-kun, I knew when I saw you at the bar that you and I were just meant for each other. But that bitch dressed in black took you away before I got my chance. So, lets just say that you and I will be having a little ‘fun’ for the rest of the night, if you’re not convinced than I’ll let you go in the morning”

And with that a feminine figure emerged from the shadow clad in leather while stroking a leather whip gently in her hands. As she approached Otto’s face was contorted into one of sheer terror.

“For my own dignity I’d like to leave the rest of the night out, in the morning let’s just say I went back to the bar to try and forget the events of the past night. After that I met Garfiel who was carrying an unconscious Natsuki-san in a state similar to what he was like when you first saw him and then we set off on our way back here.

Otto had a pained expression plastered across his face as he recalled the events of the previous night, it was definitely something that he wanted to forget. This look prompted someone unexpected to come to his aid.

“Emilia-sama, Beatrice-sama I believe that we should let Otto-sama rest. It appears that he was a victim of Barusu and Garf’s stupidity.” Ram said sympathetically with an odd hint of understanding in her voice.

“If you think so Ram, but I there’s still some things I’m realllllly unsure about.” Said Emilia as Beatrice just nodded in agreement with her.

With that somewhat reluctant show of permission from Emilia, Otto got up from his seat and gave Garfiel a quick shoulder squeeze on his way out. Otto knew that Garfiel was going to get grilled next and although he was upset over the mess that their trip turned into, it was entirely directed towards Subaru.

As Otto slowly trudged from the room everyone turned towards Petra as they noticed that she was glaring at him, but nobody was really sure until Emilia asked.

“Petra-chan why are you upset; Otto did look really bothered by what happened so I think he feels guilty for being a bad boy.”

“Otto got to play fight and dress up with Subaru, I want to play with him too!” Petra declared as she pouted to show her jealousy towards Otto.

This declaration caused Ram to once again be frozen in shock and disgust at the disgusting declaration of this little girl. Of course, she wondered how her sister Rem had fallen for the human trash known as Barusu, maybe he had caused her a brain injury when he hit her horn with the broken sword back during the mabeast attack on the village. If that was the case than Barusu would pay with his life.

“Actually I’m a little surprised, I didn’t think Subaru liked to playfight and dress up like that?”

“You’re hopeless, I suppose. It’s to be expected that Petra may be clueless, but you should know what Subaru was trying to do, in fact.

“If he wasn’t playing than what was be doing Beatrice?”

“Subaru was trying to get Otto to impregnate him, I suppose. Subaru may be gay, in fact.”

After hearing about how Subaru was possibly trying to have a baby with Otto, Emilia turned bright red. So red that some may say that she was the reddest in fact, Otto had no claim to her title.

“Liar, Subaru said he loved me…” Emilia said having switched from being embarrassed to being more sad than anything else as she just looked at the ground with small tears starting to form around her eyes.

“Yes, Beatrice-sama. Rem loves Subaru, he cannot be attracted to other men.”

“He was acting strange that time, I suppose. It could be a prank, in fact. Betty has a plan to find out, so follow along when he wakes up, I suppose.”


	4. Chapter 4

In the middle of the crowded Dagga market that openly flaunted illicit goods yet somehow remained open, stood Garfiel and Subaru. After acquiring his package Otto had left to load it up in their wagon, saying that he’d catch up with the two later. The two had decided that they’d look around the market as they both certainly knew that if anyone else found out back at the mansion they’d never be allowed back, maybe except Roswaal, we all know the dudes hitting the crack pipe at least twice a day.

As the two walked around the market they saw all sorts of weird things, from happy face pills that make you shit yourself in fear to a cocktail that makes you arms, legs, and neck shrink into your chest.

But than Garfiel was shocked when Subaru’s face lit up in joy when he saw one of the stands, what kind of guy was his captain if he got so excited over seeing some kind of illegal substance, Natsuki Suabru the Junkie Knight?

“Garfiel, do you know what those things are over there?” Subaru said as he pointed over to a stall that had something that looked like it was selling some kind of root vegetable.

“My amazin’ self has no clue Captain, but ‘f it’s here it can’t be good.”

“They look like something we’d eat all the time back in my hometown, I’m going to check it out” he said as he walked over to the stand.

Garfiel was getting a bit worried about his Captain, did he used to be a strung out junkie back before he met him. Was his Captain going to relapse and end up living in back alleys, only concerned about where he’d get his next fix?

While Garfiel was deliberating about how his Captain was going to end up ruining his life he had missed what Subaru was doing. Subaru had gone up to the stand and was returning with a small bag containing one of the root vegetables the stand was selling.

“Captain I know yer excited ‘bout something from yer home, but aren’t drugs a little too far?”

“Don’t worry Garfiel, these are horse radishes. The guy was calling them something else, but they look and smell just like horse radishes from my hometown. You use them to make something called Wasabi, it’s a condiment like the mayonnaise I told you about. Anyways I’m going to go and try to make some Wasabi in my room, I’ll see you and Otto at dinner to hopefully show you another glorious product of Japan!”

With that Subaru left Garfiel alone in the Dagga market, his captain leaving him to pursue his possible, and possibly unwanted future as a degenerate junkie. Garfiel just stood there wide-eyed at the environment he was in, it was a bustling market filled with stalls carrying exotic goods and brightly coloured buildings, packed with patrons of all varieties. It was a far cry from the simple and slightly rundown sanctuary that he had called home for his entire life up until now. And so, he utilized a method well known to all young teenage boys, semi-randomly pick something that looks cool. And so this lead him towards a building called Dagga’s Den.

Dagga’s Den was not an impressive looking building, it looked incredibly similar to the buildings of sanctuary. It appeared to be a 1.5 story wooden warehouse, a full-size main floor with a vastly smaller second story. The building lacked a solid front door with a set of cloth curtains taking its place, a relatively thick stream of smoke wisping through the curtain’s part.

As Garfiel walked through the curtains this smoke burned his eyes and throat, forcing him to stop and acclimatize, both to the poisoned air and to let his eyes adjust to the vastly darkened interior. As Garfiel stood there getting used to the building’s interior, a somewhat familiar voice called out to him from a crowd around a table in the corner of the building.

“Oi brat, what the fuck are ya doing here. Kids aren’t allowed here.”

The owner of the voice turned from the table and approached Garfiel, his identity becoming quickly apparent, Chungus Chuck.

The two approached each other, meeting in the centre of the building with their chests puffed out, squared up to each other like a pair of red pandas trying to assert dominance over one another.

“Who are ya calling my amazin’ self a brat, ya chungus”

“That’s not even an insult ya stupid kid! I AM THE CHUNGUS!”

“My amazin’ self ain’t stupid, I’ll teach ya who’s stupid” Said Garfiel as he raised his fists.  
And than just as Chungus Chuck raised his fists to fight he was met with a massive hit to his shoulder, forceful enough to make him spin around 180 degrees so his back was now to Garfiel. Before he could turn himself around he was met with a Sparta kick to the back, launching him through the wall but oddly leaving his gold fleece jacket and chain just floating in the cartoons that Subaru had told Garfiel about.

And than the room grew quiet, but it was quickly broken as a crowd rushed around Garfiel, as they cheered “The Chungus is chucked!” and “No more chungei in Dagga!” they adorned Garfiel with the garments dropped by the now deposed chungus. As this happened Garfiel just stood there with his arms raised in the victory posed Subaru taught him.

“Get the chungus chucker a drink” shouted someone

“Yeah whaddya drink, It’s on us for getting rid of that damn chungus!” shouted someone else

“Milk!” declared Garfiel proudly, causing everyone to make a face, they started to realize he may actually be a kid.

But than someone in the crowd had a eureka moment and disappeared, only to return with a glass filled with a milk like liquid. Which Garfiel promptly grabbed and downed in one go. And with that an air of revelry fell over the inside of a building that turned out to be an underground casino.

“Garfiel, drinking at your age is not good! You’re going to turn into a juvenile delinquent and become rift-raff when you grow up!”

“Eehh, but Emilia-sama, Ram always drank with Roswaal when they cam’ to Sanctuary. ‘nd she was just’a kid, she’d drink enough that adults would get completely plastered off’a it.” Garfiel whined.

“Is that true Ram? You should be a better role model for Garfiel, he’s just a kid and he seems to look up to you quiet a bit!”

Upon hearing this Garfiel looked completely defeated as his affection for Ram was completely misinterpreted as being just a child’s admiration for someone older than them. But Emilia’s previous comment didn’t just bother Garfiel.

“Emilia-sama, Ram would appreciate it if you didn’t associate her in the way that you have with Garf. Also, you are one to speak about drinking when you got too drunk too stand and fell all over Barusu. Even the pervert Barusu was feeling awkward with how you were behaving around him, but Ram assumes you don’t remember much of that evening.”

Ram’s comeback and somewhat unclear insinuation set Emilia of course, once again going down a path of redness that was so intensely red that Karl Marx would have claimed it to be a victory for the proletariat.

This caused a lull in the conversation that let Garfiel continue his story.

The whole world was spinning, Garfeil knew he could see but it was like a cloud hung over his mind. He just couldn’t really make sense of what he saw in front of him. But Garfiel felt pretty good, even though he kind of felt like he was dying on the inside, he was under such an intense euphoria that he could do nothing but smile as he stumbled towards the table Otto was at.

Garfiel had just finished drinking with the guys from the casino. They were sad to see him go but he promised to meet up with them again before he left, they revered him as the chucker of chungus’, similar to how he looked up to his captain.

It looked to Garfiel that Otto had been waiting for both Subaru and himself to arrive for quite a while, judging by the mountain of empty mugs surrounding him, but seeing as they were still missing the captain Garfiel just ended up joining him in his self destructive behaviour.

They continued waiting for Subaru when suddenly the whole room froze, an unknown lady had arrived. When she approached the table Garfiel instantly realized that this unknown lady was in fact his captain, she held a very similar demeanor and even though she appeared to be using some kind of perfume Garfiel caught Subaru’s sent hiding beneath it. He was going to speak up but than he caught the mischievous look in her eye as she sat down, a look directed right at Otto. And so Garfiel merely gestured towards Otto as if to encourage him before he got up and faded into the crowd. And not long after Garfiel was recognized and people began calling out to him.

“”It’s the Chungus Chucker!”  
“Let’s show him a good time!”

“I know just the place”

And so the Garfiel that was so drunk that he was barely conscious was quickly herded out of the building to another across the street.

The building that the group had pulled Garfiel into was definitely not what one would expect, it didn’t have any windows like the casino but it did have a proper solid door. Inside there were many ‘u’ shaped booths with a single round table in the middle, these booths all faced a raised stage with a single pole at its end.

“Oi, where’d ya guys bring my amazin’ self, why are none of the women here dressed properly?”

But before anyone from the group that had brought Garfiel could respond he was grabbed by the gold chain he was wearing by a group of scantly clad employees and pulled into a curtained booth in the wall that he’d failed to notice before. As they did this, he heard a series of hushed whispers from the group of employees.

“Is he the hero that defeated the chungus?”

“He must be, he’s wearing his chain and jacket”

“He’s gotta be loaded than, we’ll be getting big tips tonight”

And so with just Garfiel alone with this group of scantly clad women in the booth they began to climb on him when….

“Garf Stop!” shouted Ram.  
As Garfiel was pulled out of his story he surveyed the room. Emilia and Petra had both buried their faces in their hands to try and hide how burning red they were while Ram just looked at him with a terrified expression plastered across his face, a single bead of sweat rolling down as her mouth hung open.

“Disgusting…” was all she uttered.

“Garfiel …. What happened in that room…” whispered Emilia with her head still buried in her hands.

“Uhhh well ya see Emilia-sama …..” said Garfiel as he bashfully fixed his hair.

*WHACK*

And Garfiel was promptly interrupted by a very forceful punch from Ram.

“Emilia-sama, I don’t believe that it’s good for Petra and yourself to hear about this from Garf, if you still want to know Ram will explain.”

“Yes Ram please do” said Emilia weakly as she lifted her head to show her world renowned colour once again, Petra just managing to squeak in agreeance.

“Well some disgusting perverts like Garf here get pleasure from being around poorly dressed women, disgusting. Even worse they are incapable of attracting a partner, so they must pay for it, pathetic.”

“I wonder if we brought Subaru to one if we could find out if he’s actually gay or not, this is reallllly starting to bother me” Emilia put forward, the thought of Subaru being in that situation simultaneously bothering her as well as making her turn an even more dark shade of red, so dark that wine sommeliers may comment on the colour.

“WE CAN’T BRING SUBARU THERE” shouted Petra suddenly before she sheepishly retreated as everyone looked at her in shock from the sudden outburst.

“You’ve all forgotten that Betty has a plan to get to the bottom of this, I suppose”  
“Yes you’re right Beatrice-sama, but before we move on Ram wants to know if there’s anything else important left in Garf’s story.”

Hearing his name mentioned Garfiel answered quickly to put an end to his interrogation.

“Well aft’r that my amazin’ self showed em all how I’m a beautiful tiger. They gave me some more of that amazin’ milk stuff, than I slept ‘till morning when we left ta come back here.”

“Garf, you’re never getting any more alcohol, Ram will make sure of it.”

“Yes Garfiel, you’re just a young impressionable child and alcohol is realllllly bad when you’re still growing!”

Although Garfiel looked sad upon hearing that he was cut of from the delicious fermented milk he had just discovered he merely nodded and than left when he was gestured out of the room.

“Now we just need to wait for Subaru to wake up, I suppose”

And as if on cue Natsuki Subaru sat up while holding his head as if it were hurting for some reason.

“My head….. hurts…..”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Otto, it gets a lil creepy
> 
> Aka = red according to google translate
> 
> And Petra doesn't go into Subaru's room and he wore the blanket on the way there, so dw fbi

“How’d I get back to the mansion….”

Subaru was starting to sit up while clutching his head, but before he had a chance to look around the room a bell like voice assailed him with a barrage of words at high speed.

“Subaru, are you okay? How are you feeling? We were realllly worried you know. Also, Subaru its really bad for a kid like you to be drinking and doing drugs, I’m really disappointed to hear that you know, you’re going to turn into a delinquent!”

At that Emilia stopped her rapid-fire mothering of Subaru as he looked down disappointed, whether this was due to his EMT’s disappointment in him or due to how she called him a kid is unknown however. He didn’t even have time to point out how nobody says delinquent anymore before Petra took her chance with the break in the conversation.

“Subaru-sama welcome back!” as she rushed at him to give him a hug, only to stop at the last moment and turn bright red, (Emilia might’ve developed a split personality if she had cared about her title as the reddest).

“What’s wrong Petra” said Subaru as he was confused by her sudden display of embarrassment, but Petra wasn’t the one to respond.

“You aren’t wearing any clothes under the blanket, I suppose”

“BEAKO WHAT ?!? Where’d my clothes go? What’d you guys do to me when I was out, this isn’t going to help my reputation as a lolimancer yaknow?!?” said Suabru as he tightly grasped the blanket around himself to ensure it wouldn’t fall off.

“Betty was going to ask you that, in fact. Last thing we know is that you were wearing panties and a bra, attempting to impregnate Otto. If you could tell Betty what happened when you were alone that would be helpful, I suppose.”

Subaru put his hand to his chin as he slightly smirked while he reminisced over his antics of the previous life as Natsumi Schwarz, but this ended up setting Emilia off.

As she saw that Subaru reacted positively, even seemed happy when he thought about what he did to Otto. Was Subaru actually gay? But he had told her that he loved her all the time, but than again he tried to make a baby with Otto. Although she wasn’t sure what love was exactly, after the whole debacle with Regulus Emilia told herself that if she was to love someone than it would be Subaru. But now it seems that his interest may have shifted elsewhere, was it because she took too long….

“Stupid Barusu, Emilia-sama may have been so repulsed by your manhood that she smashed your head into the ground, but she deserves the rest of the story, so spill your guts, literally.”

“Emilia-tan smashed my head into the ground because she was repulsed by my manhood? Wait, Emilia-tan saw my manhood???”

As Subaru sat there in utter shock and embarrassment over his manhood being possibly witnessed by an angel, that he didn’t notice Emilia burning up. She was turning so red that Regulus would probably fear for his rights as an individual if he saw her.

“EMA?!?” (According to google translate Aka = red)

“Focus stupid Barusu, Emilia-sama may be too embarrassed to focus but at least tell Ram what happened”

“Me too Subaru-sama!”

“Don’t leave Betty out, I suppose”

“Okay, Okay alright, I’ll start from where I left Garfiel than.”

* * *

Subaru looked down proudly at his homemade mock-sabi. Using his pocketknife he had carefully cut down and than chopped the horseradish into incredibly fine bit, than using a shot glass and mug he had mashed the small bits into a paste. But there was something just a bit off about his creation, it just didn’t smell or look exactly right compared to the normal mock wasabi he had eaten back in Japan.

“Here goes nothing I guess”

Subaru than took a tiny bit of the paste he had made and put it inside his mouth, expecting the normal heat that even fake wasabi gave off but that never came, instead a different feeling slowly came on.

* * *

“VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM”

“ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK”

“VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM”

Subaru sat on the edge of his bed in a race car drivers’ position, hands on an invisible wheel and leaning into every turn while making sound effects.

“Excuse me sir, are you okay, do you need assistance?”

Subaru’s driving simulator was rudely interrupted by a young girl with platinum hair who had just barged into his room, seemingly out of concern as an employee of the establishment.

“WATCH OUT LITTLE GIRL” Subaru screamed as him jumped at her, tackling her to the ground.

“DON’T WALK INTO THE ROAD, YOU’RE GOING TO GET HIT BY A CAR”

The shocked expression from being unexpectedly tackled quickly disappeared from the girls face however as she simply said, like an order “Calm down and let me up.”

And than as if this command was magic the craziness completely left Subaru and he simply stood up to let the young girl get up.

The young girl began to monologue to Subaru, but with a slightly condescending tone, hinting that she may be completely obsessed with herself.

“Truth be told after seeing what you bought in the market, I expected that you’d be in a somewhat odd state. But forcing a young girl to the ground was definitely beyond even what I could predict, Natsuki Subaru you truly are the lolimancer, assailing my young maidenly body like that.”

“HUAHHHHH???? Lolimancer??? Ahhh I see, you almost had me there Otto, almost fell for the prank but I see right through you”

And after realizing that he was being pranked by his bro Otto Subaru tried to pull off the wig that Otto must have been wearing to have his hair seem so much longer than normal, reaching as far as his waist in his current get up. But he ran into one problem.

It wasn’t a wig

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, WHY ARE YOU PULLING MY HAIR, WHY DO YOU THINK IM THAT FILTHY MERCHANT, YOU TWO CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES”

And with that the wrath and anger that had been on her face was replaced with one of mischief.

“Oh, yeah. Literally go fuck Otto, but as Natsumi Schwarz and you can stop being calm.”

And than as if by magic, Natsuki Subaru was transformed into Natsumi Schwarz. As well whatever drug he had ingested from his wasabi-that-definitely-wasn’t-wasabi began to affect him once again as he walked out the door.

* * *

Everything was a mess for Natsumi, colours had their intensity turned to insanity, she thought there were people in her peripheral vision but when she turned to look, there was nothing there. This was honestly starting to freak her out, but she had a mission. She was being driven by what felt like an insatiable longing for Otto, and because of this longing she kept moving forward.

When she entered the bar where she knew Otto would be everything went quiet, it was like the whole room stopped to focus their undivided attention onto her, but her attention was focused solely on Otto. He just looked so cute to her when he was just sitting there talking to his friend, it was even cuter how he was completely panicking when he was trying to hold a conversation with her after his friend left. And than when he got really bashful her heart just wanted to explode, but another part of her wanted to push things forward just a tiny bit faster.

To do this she decided to get him just a little bit more trashed than he already was, some really strong alcohol could probably do it.

But as Natsumi walked towards the bar it became apparent to everyone who could see her that some substance was definitely screwing with her. Every little angle or bump in the floor felt massive, this made her oddly sway massively to one side or take a really odd gate as she tried to correct for the massive defects that she thought were in the floor, even though they were entirely in her mind. It was honestly amazing that she even got to and back from the bar without falling over.

What was even worse though is after she got back, Otto was acting extremely formal. He was using ‘san’ like they had just met or were coworkers or something, doesn’t he know that all Natsumi wanted was to be with him, to be close to him?

But Natsumi wouldn’t be stopped by the man who was her hearts desire going full virgin mode, she would turn him into the chad she desired, she would drop hints like _The Little Boy._ She put on her best pout as she corrected him on how he should’ve referred to her to try and telepathically transmit the idea of what she wanted.

* * *

“IT WAS HAPPENING!!!” Natsumi thought proudly. Through all her coercion and aggressiveness, she has started to awaken Otto’s inner chad from the virgin shell it had been encased in. It may have been the result of mainly her efforts, but Otto seemed to be finally taking the chad route, he was finally starting to undo her dress.

But once she felt her dress fall away the atmosphere of the room suddenly changed, as the word ‘trap’ left Otto’s lips it was like an immense magic was released from within her, and with that Natsumi Schwarz was no more, in her place was Natsuki Subaru.

Subaru was left in an incredibly awkward position that he had no memory of reaching. He was clad in woman’s undergarments modified to give him the appearance of a woman’s body, while straddling his brother with his thighs. Such a situation was extremely odd and awkward even by Alabama standards.

Subaru needed to somehow spin this situation into some kind of joke or Otto might think he was actually gay, and that would end his chances with Emilia, and lead to more disgusting nicknames like lolimancer or harem knight, or _shudders_ bro-clapper.

That’s when the realization hit him, he would spin this as though he was just so attractive that nobody could resist him, he wasn’t the harem knight because he was after loli’s, the loli’s just couldn’t resist him and he was going to show that by proving that his own brother was trying to clap his cheeks.

And so, he struck a pose and prepared to deliver a line so cool that it would end Otto, he felt a something hard smash into his face and everything went dark.

* * *

Subaru woke up just as the sun was starting to stream into the room, even though everything seemed hazy to him he decided to take a look around the room.

The window was strangely left open allowing a cool breeze to come in, but this breeze was making his chest and thighs feel strangely cold, too cold. And that’s when he noticed his state of dress.

“Whaaaaa?!? Why am I only wearing a bra and panties???” raced through Subaru’s mind, then he saw the dress on the bed with the blankets in complete disarray, and realized he woke up on the floor.

Subaru than looked down at the pair of womens underwear he was currently wearing as a look of shock and horror crossed his face.

“Emilia-tan will never forgive me….”

Than suddenly grabbing his head and screaming he lamented his current situation.

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah my heads still so fuzzy, I’ll go back to my room and try to wake myself up than deal with this whole mess.”

And with that Subaru left the room, realizing as he stood in the hall, he was only one over from his own room, which meant that he had spent the night on the floor of Otto’s room.

Once within his own room Subaru tried splashing water on his face from the basin, but it didn’t clear the fog from his head, and that’s when he noticed the wasabi still it’s the bowl on a side table.

“My knifes still there beside it and covered in residue so I must’ve made this yesterday, I wish I could remember last evening…..”

And that’s when an idea hit Subaru like a bag of bricks.

“Ha every Japanese youth does this at least once and always regrets it enough to never do it again, it definitely clears some parts of you up so hopefully this works.”

Then with a slight hint of pain as he thought back about his childhood in Japan, Subaru put the half of the remaining wasabi in his mouth and swallowed.

But Subaru was met with no burn nor feeling of death that normally came with eating a wasabi ball, instead a new and even worse haze came upon him as everything slowly went black once again.

* * *

“Well that’s the last thing I remember before I woke up here, so I was going to ask you what happened to my underwear but you seem just as lost as I am.”

Subaru than sat there rubbing his head when a familiar blond hair boy stuck his head in.

“In regards t’ that Cap’n, my amazin’ self that them women’s clothes were emasculatin’ so I got rid of ‘m. Also the rest of that stuff ya call wasabi is in the carriage.”

“YOU STRIPPED ME?!?” Shouted Subaru in disbelief

“Garf, Disgusting…” said Ram as she burned a a hole through him with her gaze

Deciding that his presence wasn’t wanted Garfiel slinked away before he did something to cause Ram to actually kill him.

“Emilia-sama, Beatrice-sama, Ram believes that if Barusu is done telling his story than he should clean himself up. Ram isn’t happy about the extent that Barusu’s vile body has violated Roswaal-sama’s floor.”

“There’s some stuff I would realllly like to ask Subaru abou……”

“Yes that is fine in fact, but come over here first, I suppose”

Emilia was hesitant at letting Subaru leave, but she was cut off rudely by Beatrice. Even more oddly though is how Ram went over to Beatrice who began whispering in her ear. Ram than looked towards Emilia with a “are you sure?” look plastered on her face, but Beatrice merely nodded.

Ram than turned towards Petra and began implementing Beatrice’s plan.

“Can you aid Barusu to his room, he may be too pathetic to walk. As well be carful when you get there as Barusu may have only been pretending to be gay, he may try disgusting things if you drop your guard. Ram must do something for Beatrice-sama and than go attend to Roswaal-sama.”

Then with a quick “Yes Ram-oneesama” Petra helped Subaru to his room while Ram headed towards where the carriage was left.

Then with just the two left in the room Emilia turned towards Beatrice with a slight pout on her face.

“I wanted to find out if Subaru was gay, why did you let him go? This is really bothering me, and I still had a lot of questions I wanted to ask...”

“Have you run out of red so you switched back to pouting I suppose? Didn’t Betty tell you she had a plan, and now that he is gone Betty will explain your role in it, all will be ready once Ram returns, in fact.”

And with that Beatrice began to explain the masterplan to determine if Subaru was gay or not to Emilia, Emilia only showed an expression of fear as her mouth opened and face turned red in embarrassment the more she heard.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Final Chapter, the rest of the Emilia camp experience degeneracy in order to finally solve the question, is Natsuki Subaru gay?

Ram had returned to the room with Beatrice and Emilia after finishing the task assigned to her by Beatrice, the objectives of said task having been placed on the table in front of her.

“Ram has retrieved the two items you wanted from their carriage Beatrice-sama, is there anything else you require?”

“Could you keep Petra occupied for the next while I suppose. Betty will not have the strength to stop her interference once we begin.”

“Yes Beatrice-sama”

And with that the uncharacteristically diligent Ram headed off to safeguard Beatrice’s grand plan from being utterly destroyed by Petra. Now it was just Emilia and Beatrice alone once again with the two items that Ram had brought, a mug and tracksuit that should have been eerily familiar from the stories that they’d heard from the trio.

“Are you sure this will work Beatrice? I’m realllly nervous, I’ve never done anything like this and I’m over 100 years old! Are you realllllly sure we should do this, what if Subaru gets mad and ends up hating me……”

Emilia nervously started off with her face burning up but as she got more and more of her thoughts out it seemed that her embarrassment was replaced by sadness and a slight bit of self loathing more than anything.

However this doubt in a plan that was made partially for Emilia’s benefit seemed to slightly tick Beatrice off, sending her into a fit of loli-rage which caused her to raiser he voice and swing her arms around as she went into a little rant about just how done she was with the half-elf.

“You’re insufferable I suppose! Betty masterminded this plan because YOU wanted to know if Betty’s contractor was gay, and now that we get to the point of action you’re having doubts, in fact! If you’re afraid than I guess give up now, but you’ll never know if Subaru is gay, I suppose.”

With her rant over Beatrice “hmphed” while crossing her arms at Emilia while she waited for her to answer.

Beatrice’s rant seemed to help Emilia, she raised her hands beside her face and slapped both of her cheeks. The red of her embarrassment left her face to be replaced by the slight redness left by her hands impact, showing that she was both resolved to carry out Beatrice’s plan as well as her mastery at red bending, the art of manipulating the redness of one’s body.

“I have steeled my resolve and determination, I’m ready for whatever comes!” Emilia proudly declared with her normal archaic vocabulary.

Beatrice than raised the mug that held the remainder of Subaru’s wasabi and offered it to Emilia after taking out half of it for herself.

“Here goes nothing, I suppose”

* * *

Subaru sat on the edge of his bed in a state of abject melancholy, he had lost his last reminder of Japan, his tracksuit.

After Petra had brought him to his room she had waited outside as he changed into his butler attire, but as he changed he heard Ram come by to steal Petra away to help her with some task related to the legal battle on Roswaal’s ban on being near schools or venues frequented by young children.

As a result Subaru sat alone in his room lamenting on all the mistakes that occurred the previous day that have lead to his current predicament of both not having his tracksuit and seemingly angering Emilia, leading to her giving him a motherly lecture on his behaviour.

But Subaru’s melancholy was soon interrupted by a knocking sound on his door.

* * *

_Swimming through the ocean._

_In the wide-open sea_

_With the schools of fishes we go_

_Right upon the the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay_

Beatrice was singing out loud as she swam through a wide blue sea, with every stroke forward she stared in amazement at the wide variety of fish with their vivid colours that swam all around her.

The only thing more amazing was the vivid coral tunnel she was swimming through, if only her vision wasn’t so hazy, she’d be able to soak in the details in even greater fidelity.

The haze itself wasn’t too severe though so Beatrice wasn’t too bothered by it. It was like the colours around the edges of her vision were blurred together, creating a visceral soup that made any object within it indistinguishable from one another. Slightly more concerning however was how every so often her vision went all went slightly blurry but than went back to normal after a few seconds, like you were in online class and than Roswaal turned on his “adult content” and shouted “SUBAAAARASAAAAAHIIIIII” as your lecture switched to 140p resolution.

But this didn’t bother Beatrice in the slightest as she happily swam around the coral tunnel looking at all the colourful fish.

* * *

“Uhhhhhh I can’t just sit here being depressed for the rest of the evening, I atleast gotta try and apologize to Emilia-tan.”

With that Subaru stood up and walked towards the door of his bedroom and started to turn the knob to open it when suddenly the door flew open like it was holding back a massive amount of water. However instead of water coming through the door, a drill loli flew in and launched Subaru across the room with the force of the impact.

“BEAKO WHAT’RE YOU D…………”

Subaru started to raise his voice towards the great spirit in objection to being headbutted across the room but than he stopped when he saw her face, she looked like she was about to burst into tears.

“YOU KILLED ALL THE FISHIES, I SUPPOSE”

“Whaaa?”

“YOU LET THE WATER OUT AND KILLED ALL THE FISHIES!”

“Beako what water?”

“I WAS SWIMMING THROUGHT THE SEA AND LOOKING AT ALL THE PRETTY CORAL AND FISHIES BEFORE YOU KILLED THEM, IN FACT”

“Wait…… Beatrice, you didn’t eat the leftover wasabi I made, did you?”

Once she heard those words all the sadness faded from her face, and like a little kid who realised that they might get in trouble, she decided she needed to escape.

*Bonk*

Beatrice bonked Subaru right on the nose before running out of the room as fast as her little legs could carry her. As she did this she had her arms raised in the air above her head and rhymed “Tee he, got your nose, I suppose” and cackled like a madman as she escaped before her contractor could stop her.

“I guess Beatrice reverted into a little kid after taking it, I truly hope Emilia-tan didn’t have any or …….Roswaal……….”

Subaru shuddered a bit at the thought of Roswaal being even more screwed up than normal, it was definitely something he never wanted to see.

But than at the mention of his name the clown in the flesh walked right into the room with Petra and Ram in tow behind him.

“Subaru-kuuuuuuuuuuun, you’ve been a very baaaaaaad boy, I feel that as property of miiiiiiine I must punish the naughtiness from yooooooooou”

Roswaal started to walk menacingly towards Subaru as Subaru scurried backwards away from him, backing himself into a corner. As Roswaal closed in on Subaru his hands drifted down towards the clasp on his pants as the perverted clown prepared to show his true colours.

“No Roswaal-sama you must resist your urges, although Barusu is trash he is still underage. We cannot allow such human filth such as him to sink your legal battle, if they increase the distance you must stay from children anymore we will have to move the whole mansion.”

Using all her strength Ram slowly pulled Roswaal by the cape as the perverted clown continued to try and march towards Subaru with a cold yet perverted look in his eyes. Even though Roswaal was really leaning into his steps and trying with all his might to reach Subaru with outstretched hands he was no match for Ram, who managed to save Subaru’s innocence from the perv clown.

As Ram prevented a crime from being committed Petra ran up to Subaru.

“Subaru-sama for your own safety please stay in your room until morning with your door locked. Ram-onee-sama and I will restrain Roswaal from harming you or angry tiger boy until Roswaals urge passes.”

And with a dumbfounded looked on his face Subaru watched Petra leave and chase after Ram.

“Honestly I don’t even know what’s going on anymore……..”

* * *

Emilia stood in front of the mirror smooshing her own face as she made funny faces at herself, which than resulted in her laughing like a maniac. If she wasn’t a half-elf with amethyst eyes than her eyes would have been bloodshot enough that people would of thought that she had entered a Roswaal phase of obscene cosmetic use.

But than it was like she vaguely remembered the purpose of stoning herself into oblivion and put on a serious face.

“Hmmmph, I can’t let myself get distracted. I have to go find Subaru right now, Beatrice said she’d make sure he didn’t leave his room while I got ready, and I think I’m ready now”

Emilia looked down and gave a once over at the tracksuit jacket she was wearing before looking over at the pile of the clothes she had worn up to know lying on the floor in a heap.

“I hope this is what Beatrice meant when she said to put on the tracksuit” Emilia questioned to herself.

However, her thoughts were soon broken by the sound of mad laughing off in another part of the mansion.

“That must be the signal!”

And with that Emilia set off directly towards the source of the sound, except not exactly directly. The affect of the drug used to make up the wasabi was still ramping up, and until now Emilia could stand mostly fine, but now not so much. As she tried to walk towards the door she promptly tripped over her own feet and fell in a heap on the floor, which for some reason was incredibly funny to her.

She got back up but this time stuck both her arms straight out like she was walking on a tightrope. She left her room making ginger, careful steps that made her somewhat resemble a newborn deer, except when she lost her balance and veered right off into a wall.

Although EMT was definitely not her normal graceful self she was determined to get a look at the source of her knight’s heart, based off of Beatrice’s observations of when she got really drunk around Subaru.

After about 10 minutes of tripping and stumbling down the hallway Emilia had reached the door of Natsuki Subaru’s bedroom and promptly slammed right into it when she tried to reach for the doorknob.

* * *

*THUNK*

“What now….”

Subaru said as he got off his bed to investigate the loud thunk that came from right outside his door.

He had been laying on his bed for about the past 10 minutes since he nearly experienced Roswaal’s ‘urges’.

Subaru was more or less mentally fried by this point, both from the past events and from his experiences with a high Beatrice and pervy Roswaal. He was afraid to open the door to his room in case he had to experience a horror like Petra on meth or Ram on roids, but as a butler of the mansion, and given the many attacks on the Emilia camp since he entered this world he couldn’t let a potential danger to his wasted friends go uninvestigated.

He pushed the image of Petra’s meth mouth and a Ram made of 900 lbs of muscle out of his mind as he got up to see what made the noise outside his door, and what he found certainly surprised him.

* * *

“E-Emilia-tan why are you dressed like that?!? Please tell me you’re wearing something underneath it”

“Its soooooooooo comfortable thoughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Said Emilia as she giggled manically as if literally existing was just the funniest thing ever.

Before Subaru stood an Emilia who seemed to have just gotten up off the floor, but this Emilia was not his normal EMT. Instead she was EBM, Emilia Baked out of her Mind. Emilia was wearing Subaru’s beloved tracksuit that until now was believed to have been left in Daggga. Although the tracksuit was covering everything that needed to be covered, it didn’t cover much besides that, making Subaru hope that Emilia hadn’t discarded all her clothing when she put it on.

As Emilia stood in front of the door swaying dangerously from side to side, the massive happy smile that had been plastered across her face slowly drooped into a frown as tears formed in the corners of her eyes. She than dipped her head towards the ground as the tears started to leave her eyes and plop onto the carpeted floor of the hallway.

“Wait, Wait, Emilia-tan whats wrong?!? Why are you crying?”

Subaru rushed forward and grabbed onto both of Emilia’s arms, to both comfort her and because he thought she might fall over with how far she was swaying side to side at this point.

Emilia than looked up right into Subaru’s eyes with her own teary amethyst ones, she than started to slur out a response.

“S-SsS-Subaru, areeeeee you gay, it seeeeemed like you trieed to impregnate Ottooo. I finalllyyy decideddd thaaaat ifffff I wasss to lovee anyoneee it would be you Suuubaru buuuut nowww I’mmm realllllllllllly afraid I wasssss too slowwwww”

Subaru’s eyes shot open in amazement, all the worry in his face was replaced with a look of pure happiness and joy as he received this confession from his very own EMT.

Subaru than took his hands-off Emilia’s arms and stepped back, making Emilia’s heart sink as she thought this was his way of leaving her, abandoning her physically as he had already emotionally. But none the less she decided to watch as her knight Natsuki Subaru struck a pose and spoke in a voice filled with confidence and determination.

“E-Emilia-tan I’m definitely not gay, in fact I am completely captivated by Emilia-tan’s angelic beauty. I, Natsuki Subaru have eyes for nobody other than EMT!”

Hearing her knight’s affirmation of love for her Emilia felt incredibly happy. She beamed her knight with a massive smile that stretched ear to ear, she leaned in towards Subaru and gave him a very slurred “Thank you Subaru.”

She took no notice at how Subaru was completely burning up with embarrassment at this point.

However maybe leaning forward wasn’t the best thing for Emilia seeing as she was baked out of her mind and could barely stand. Emilia fell forward with her arms straight out to the side, making no attempt to catch herself, merely shouting “weeeee” as she fell.

Thankfully for her, instead of falling flat on her face she hit her knight on the way down. He tried to catch her but ended up falling backwards as well, ending with them both landing on the floor of Subaru’s room. While Subaru landed flat on his back, Emilia landed face first on his chest.

While Subaru was completely frozen in some combination of shock, embarrassment, and amazement at how he now had EMT laying on his chest, that same EMT reacted to the situation quite differently.

Emilia lifted her head seemingly sleepily from Subaru chest. She looked around at where she lay before squirming around a bit to find a comfortable place, closing her eyes and putting her head back down onto her knight’s chest.

“Suuubaruuuu I’m getting sleeeeepy but I’m realllllly happy that I know youuuuu love me too now, buuuut I’d appreciate it if you’dddd stop poking me so I could sleep nowwww”

“W-Wait Emilia-tan, you can’t sleep like this, you gotta go back to your room, and what’s poking you because I definitely am not.”

“Sssillly Subaru, if you’re nottt poking meee than whaaats this”

Emilia than reached under where her midsection was laying and grabbed a hard object that was poking her through Subaru’s pants.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH E-E-E-E-E-EMILIA-TAN, DON’T TOUCH THAT, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS, BUT PLEASE GET OFFFF!”

“SUUUUBARUUUUUU-KUUUUUUUUUUN ARE YOU HAVING FUN WITHOUT ME?!?”

This loud booming voice came from the hallway and it was followed by the sound very heavy footsteps followed by the sound of heels being dragged across the floor.

“STUPID BARUSU, YOU’RE ACTIONS HAVE SENT ROSWAAL-SAMA INTO HEAT AGAIN. ROSWAAL-SAMA PLEASE STOP, WE CAN’T AFFORD TO MOVE THE WHOLE MANSION!”

The image of a determined pervy clown slowly trotting his way towards Subaru’s room with Ram and Petra being dragged behind him struck pure fear into Subaru’s heart.

“Emilia-tan you have to get off, I’m about to be killed by a sexually aroused clown!”

Then realizing that the only way he’d get through to this drugged out half-elf would be to use language so archaic that nobody but her would ever say it in this day and age.

“Emilia-tan, I beseech you to wield thy strength to aid thy knight in the time of one’s greatest peril. Please seal the sacred gate that shall shield this one from sin.”

Then as if hearing a commandment from the bible the stoned half-elf looked straight into Subaru’s eye’s with a look of determination.

She than began to press herself up from Subaru’s chest a sound echoed through the room.

_Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip_

The zipper seemed to have gotten caught in the hole for one of the buttons on Subaru’s butler uniform, causing it to come unzipped when Emilia stood up.

“Emilia-tan your clothes! You weren’t wearing anything underneath!!!!”

Subaru wanted to look away from the now mostly declothed half-elf before him but he just couldn’t bring himself to.

Emilia first had a very confused look on her face but than she looked down with a very confused expression on her face before realizing what had happened and coming to her senses. She let out a shrill scream as he hastily grabbed the track suit and pulled it closed, while this happened her face turned a shade of red that was so red, it must have been the true colour of red in the universe, truly a display of her skills.

“EMILIA-SAMA, SUBARUUU-KUUUUN, WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!!!”

The voice of the pervy clown was getting closer, and seemingly more aggressive as he fell deeper and deeper into heat.

“FILTHY BARUSU GET YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF EMILIA-SAMA, BUT CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR. RAM CAN’T DELAY ROSWAAL-SAMA MUCH LONGER”

Subaru than jumped to his feet and than slammed the door shut, locking it while pressing his back into it in an effort to help hold it closed.

With an extremely embarrassed, stoned and barely clothed half-elf in the room with him and a perverted clown in heat on the other side of the door Subaru could do nothing but let out a scream that carried though the night sky in lamentation at what his life in another world had become.

As the scream carried through the night sky the world was quiet, the only thing out of the ordinary was a certain drill loli who had escaped out of an open window; swimming through the night sky in search of more colourful fishies.

_Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this until the end. This was my first time righting anything fiction related and I'm certain that at the very least some of the time the writing was quite poor and insufficiently descriptive. However I do want to keep trying to write Re:Zero stories and to keep working on my writing ability, one day I would like to come back to this story and at least clean up the writing.
> 
> So once again thank you for sticking with me to the end and I hope I can continue making stories that you all will enjoy.


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